The Trouble with Turians
by ArtemisFallen
Summary: Garrus Vakarian never thought he would find himself wrapped up in the well toned arms of soldier James Vega. Humorous one-shot. Takes place during Mass Effect 3. Just for fun! Enjoy!


Music pulsed lightly in the background as Garrus stared at James Vega.

"Seriously, Scars, this stays between you and me. _Comprender_?" Jimmy demanded seriously.

Garrus held up his hand, as if he were taking a solemn oath. "You've got nothing to worry about, Jimmy. You think I want this getting out?"

Jimmy shifted uncomfortably and shrugged his big shoulders. "Alright, then. Just so long as we're clear."

Jimmy held his hand out for Garrus. Mindful of his talons, Garrus took Jimmy's hand and allowed the heavily muscled soldier to pull him close. Jimmy's fingers closed firmly around Garrus' own fingers and he slid an arm around Garrus' slim waist.

He felt Jimmy's chest bump into his stomach and Garrus tried to pull away a little.

"Nope, that's not how it goes, Scars," Jimmy said, holding Garrus in place, making sure to press against him tighter. "The closer, the better. There is no you and me, only us."

Garrus nodded nervously, gazing down at Jimmy, feeling the tension spread throughout his body. "Right," he whispered nervously. "Just you and me."

"Close your eyes. Feel my chest rise and fall against you. Take in that rhythm, memorize it and make it part of you," Jimmy ordered, following his own instructions.

Garrus closed his eyes as well, feeling the warmth from the big soldier's skin radiate against his own. He felt Jimmy's chest rise and fall with each breath. Garrus nodded, feeling the rhythm Jimmy was talking about.

"I feel it," Garrus replied softly as he opened his eyes to stare down at the soldier pushed up against him.

Jimmy looked down at their feet and gave a wry smile before using his knee to nudge Garrus' legs apart. Garrus stiffly complied. "Relax, Scars. I can't teach you anything if you're gonna be so uptight."

"Sorry," Garrus mumbled, forcing himself to relax.

"Okay, now I will lead you, but you need to feel me. Just let it happen and don't fight me," James said, moving his hand along Garrus' back. "It's all about confidence."

Garrus let Jimmy lead him, moving his feet slowly with the beat of the music, watching Jimmy's movements carefully.

"You can't just watch my feet the entire time, Garrus. You _need_ to look into my eyes," Jimmy emphasized.

Garrus did as he was told and grimaced. "Spirits, you're ugly up close."

Jimmy snickered. "Oh, that means so much coming from an overgrown, radioactive lizard. Have you even looked in the mirror lately?"

Garrus laughed, losing his rhythm and accidently stepped on Jimmy's foot.

"Yikes! Watch those stompers!" Jimmy cried out. "I bruise easily."

"I wouldn't admit to that. Wouldn't want anyone to think you're a delicate flower," Garrus retorted.

Jimmy pulled him sharply, intertwining their feet skillfully, nearly toppling Garrus. "Me, delicate? You know me so well."

Garrus pushed away, maintaining his distance from the soldier and dutifully studied the movement of their feet.

"You've gotta touch me, Scars," Jimmy scolded. "Hold me close, _lagarto_. I need to feel you and you need to feel me."

Garrus hesitantly shifted closer, his body rubbing against Jimmy's. "That's it, nice and tight! Now move those giant legs! Don't shuffle. Feel the heat of it."

"You need to stop talking like that," Garrus grumbled unhappily.

Jimmy laughed, enjoying the Turian's discomfort. "Don't you like the feel of me? I thought you liked humans."

Garrus growled. "There's only one human I want to touch like this and thank the Spirits, she doesn't look like you."

"Ah, did I touch a tender spot, Scars?" Jimmy prodded with a feigned pout.

Garrus yanked Jimmy around in a spin and dipped him. Garrus brought his face close. "I can take the heat, Vega. Can you?"

"Oh, that's good, Scars," Jimmy smiled through his surprise. "Very sexy. You're a fast learner."

Garrus pulled Jimmy back up and released him. Jimmy straightened his tight shirt. "Lola's gonna flip out when she sees those moves."

"Yeah… I don't know about that," Garrus said, his tone unsure. "I've seen her dance and it's enough to make the Reapers run screaming back into their black abyss."

Jimmy chuckled. "With the right partner, anyone can dance. Even Lola." Jimmy reached out for Garrus. "Again. This time, you lead me."

Garrus grabbed for Jimmy's hand and the soldier yelped. "Hey! Hey! Watch it with those claws! You're gonna put someone's eye out. I didn't sign up for this so you could maim me!"

Garrus retracted his hand, feeling his mandibles flare with embarrassment. "Sorry. I told you I should've worn gloves."

"You can't feel and understand the dance if you can't _feel_ anything," Jimmy grumbled as he rubbed his hand. "Let's try this again. This time, don't impale me. Remember, I'm supposed to be Lola in this scenario."

Garrus shuddered. "Please don't put that image in my head."

A sly grin spread across Jimmy's face. "Why not? I enjoyed picturing you as Lola a minute ago."

"Why am I not surprised?" Garrus asked exasperated.

"It makes it easier. Come on, you try it," Jimmy coaxed. "I'm Lola. Say it."

Garrus shook his head. "I'm not really comfortable with…"

Jimmy grabbed Garrus' hand and put it to his heavily muscled chest. "You're never going to relax until you see your goal in me. Now say it. I'm Lola."

Garrus twitched nervously. "I… uh… you're…"

"Say it, Scars! Call me Shepard. Say my name!" Jimmy chided.

Garrus closed his eyes and breathed out shakily, "Shepard, dance with me."

Jimmy laced his hand around Garrus' fingers. "I'd love to, Garrus," he said in a mock high-pitched tone that was meant to emulate Shepard's voice.

Garrus groaned in disgust. "This had better be worth it."

Jimmy closed the gap between Garrus and himself. "Oh, I'm worth it, Garrus." He retorted in the same mock high-pitched tone followed by a fake girlish giggle.

Garrus groaned again, but refused to fuel the soldier's behavior by complaining. Instead Garrus focused on pretending Jimmy was Shepard. A very large, hairy, slightly odd smelling Shepard, but Shepard none the less.

* * *

><p>Kaidan and Joker sat on the bridge, glued to the camera security feed. Joker's mouth had yet to close. Kaidan felt the tears of his repressed laughter sting at his eyes.<p>

"I've never seen anything so beautiful. This is the perfect blackmail! Please tell me you're recording this!" Kaidan exclaimed.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Joker replied. "I've already made backups!"

"Don't they know about the cameras?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Vega disconnected all of them. I noticed the feed went dark and I knew something was up. So, I had EDI reestablish the connection on one of the cameras." Joker stifled a laugh. "I never would have thought...this is just… I don't know what we're looking at, but it's better than anything I could've ever dreamed of." Joker stopped, musing over a private scenario that played out in his head. "Well, not ever, but it's damn close."

Kaidan shook his head, watching Garrus and Vega dance together closely. "Should we let them know we can see them?"

"Nah, why spoil the fun?" Joker asked. "They'll figure it out soon enough when it mysteriously gets leaked to the Extranet."

Kaidan laughed, throwing his hands up defensively. "Hey, it's your funeral, pal. I don't think I would want Vega _or_ Garrus mad at me. Or for that matter, the Commander."

"You do have a point," Joker contemplated. "But I'm probably going to die from vaporization by a Reaper beam anyway." A mischievous smile spread over Joker's face and Kaidan knew that look.

"Might as well have a little fun before I die," Joker said, clicking the Upload button. "I think I'll send a copy to Wrex while I'm at it."

Kaidan shook his head, fighting the urge to grin at Joker's antics. "This could get interesting."

Joker leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers together carefully, a contented look on his face. "Now, we wait."


End file.
